Episode 30: Smuggler's Bounty (The Cutthroat Chronicles with Siobhan Thompson)
Smuggler's Bounty is the thirtieth episode in the series and the first episode of The Cutthroat Chronicles. The Band of Boobs say goodbye to the Crick and head off for a relaxing getaway -- but is their vacation doomed from the start? Hardwon pulls off some sick tricks, Beverly beefs it big time, and Moonshine tries to get laid. Siobhan Thompson joins us as 'Field Elf' Barbarian Apple Scrumper! Plot Synopsis Puppet Shows, Good-Byes, and some light drug use. The episode opens on the Band of Boobs celebrating at the Crick both the demise of Marabelle and the end of Crick Rot. Beverly's new abilities from his Fire Daddy allow him to finally consume the spicy cuisine of the Crick, and even enjoy a bit of the brown stuff. All of the band members enjoy the extra gifts from their Elementals for 24 hours, and Beverly is able to reach straight into the pot to pull out boiling crawfish, much to the joy of Hardwon and the amazement of the young 'uns. Dinner wraps up, it's night time and everyone is gathered around a large bonfire. Luna has wandered off and joins The Chosen in Moonshine's stump, leaving Meemaw, Maw Maw, Ol' Cobb and the Band of Boobs at the fire where the Band of Boobs gives them the run-down of all they did. Ol' Cobb and Meemaw are happy sad: joyous that their third cohort, his one and only lover and her one and only sister, wasn't truly evil and hadn't betrayed the Crick, but devastated at her demise. Moonshine's casual shadow puppet show (holding PawPaw up so he makes a shadow and squeezing him so he dances) cheers Ol' Cobb up a bit "that's actually really funny", but he doesn't laugh only stares into the fire. Meemaw had always felt that her sister couldn't have betrayed her people, she was a renegade but not the type that would commit genocide, but it seems had held out hope that she wasn't truly involved in this mess at all. Hardwon hands her some Crick Water, advising her to take some, it's what he takes whenever the shadow puppets just can't do it for him. "On the road, Moonshine's been doing some uh, pretty avant-garde puppet shows. They're hilarious." "Yeah I can make a crustacean from my toes and my fingers." At Meemaw's request, she regales everyone with her newly minted skills, forged on the tough road. The merry group by the fire look up to see Brother Albrecht and the rest of The Chosen with their bags packed, leaving Moonshine's stump. He walks over to the group, congratulating them on saving The Crick. He reminds them, however, that there is a war going on. They had been in the Fog, they had seen the horrors that are happening in the realm. Sides must be chosen and the sides, according to him, are either with Thiala or you're with the Devil. Beverly says he's sick of sides, Moonshine agrees with him and Hardwon pointing out there doesn't have to be just two sides, there could be as many as three. Beverly, hoping to prove this point further, points to the jambalaya in the pot. There's the main stew part, and there is corn, and potatoes, and in fact, even different other kind of potatoes as well. Hardwon points out that some people don't even like the entree, they just like a lot of sides. Brother Albrecht had prepared a whole speech about working together, but on hearing the analogy on food and people's preferences for far too many minutes, Brother Albrecht just pinches the bridge of his nose. Beverly, picking up the pieces of the analogy and presenting a full meaning, tells Brother Albrecht that even though they worship different sides of the Light, they are still united by the Light. Beverly declares that he hopes to work with him side by side, bowing to the Light, but that doesn't mean he has to fight for Thiala. Hardwon reminds everyone he does not bow to the Light, and Moonshine figures she gives a polite nod to the Light. Brother Albrecht, somehow more confused now, tells the Band of Boobs to go fuck themselves and if they're ever in Galaderon they should atone for their sins and bend a knee to Thiala and then they can talk. Moonshine sends Paw Paw to pants him in his robe. Even though Brother Albrecht is perceptive, he's not perceptive or fast enough to avoid Paw Paw biting into his ass and tearing off a piece of cloth for everyone to see his Mormon type underwear. Irate he tells them they're all terrible at diplomacy and orders Luna to say good-bye. Luna is in human form, but with yellow eyes. She bumps into Hardwon telling him to get the fuck out of her way, but passes him a note as she walks off. Hardwon yells at her to fuck off, and then reads the note. It says that she had spent her entire life searching for a cure, but now she's not so sure she actually needs one. She's not sure about her purpose in all of this, but she doesn't think she will find it with the Chosen and she's leaving the Church, abandoning the Chosen once she is far enough away from the Crick. She doesn't know if this is the right choice, and after what she saw in the Fog, maybe the Chosen are the only thing standing between their realm and Hell, but who knows, shit's fucked. She wishes them all farewell and hopes they run into each other again. After reading the note, Hardwon catches her eye as she marches off and gives her a fucked up peace sign, which she returns. Luna, a happier and freer werewolf, if not filled with more questions, leaves the Band of Boobs to start her own adventures. Meemaw turns to the Band of Boobs and knows that she promised them a spa day when it was all over, but she thinks it's best that she and Ol' Cobb stay back and regroup and drink in memory of Marabelle, but encourages them to go off and have some fun, they've earned it. She has a suggestion even: Smuggler's Bounty, a casino pirate haven, where she and Ol' Cobb spent a lot of time in their younger rowdier days. Beverly immediately begins fishing costume jewelry out of his bag in hopes of fitting in with all the pirates. Balnor comes up to the group and asks what's going on, they gambling? After a long pause, Hardwon clasps him on the back and declares him the guest of honor. Balnor excitedly says he hopes there's a buffet. Meemaw sends Maw Maw off to find the coordinates which she hands to Hardwon. It is completely invisible until you are 50 feet from it. Beverly whispers to Hardwon, asking him if he can read it. After looking at Moonshine Hardwon says yes, as Moonshine pushes PawPaw up to actually be the one to read the coordinates. So the BoB aren't embarrassed in front of Meemaw and Ol' Cobb, Paw Paw goes to his mother and explains that they can't read. "Ah. Yes. I Should have expected this." She replies to her scramble man son, and gives them Dad directions, with a lot of visual clues. In proper Crick celebration tradition, they all do some drugs and hang out. That night, as Hardwon is drifting off, he feels a bit cold, and knows that honestly? A little bit, just a small amount of R. Cane would be SO good right now. He takes a small bump, unnoticed in the revelry and mass consumption of less harmful drugs happening, Not a lot, just enough to feel refreshed, and stays up and hour or two later journaling, but then heads to bed. The Band of Boobs wake up and say good-bye to Meemaw. She tells them that she's concerned with the current location of her people and needs to have a think about what to do while they're away. Aghast, Moonshine asks if she's thinking about moving the Crick. Meemaw says it's a possibility, she has to think of the people. Moonshine promises to keep her peepers open for a new Crick. She gives them all hugs, and Maw Maw gives them all head butts, and Ol' Cobb gives the bro-hug and gives them fifty gold (Hardwon calculating how much R. Cane that can buy). Beverly gives Ol' Cobb the teeth of Huey and Dewey to put on Melf's grave, or to their remaining brother. The Band of Boobs departs in the SS Stormborn, with shoulders a little less heavy, but their pockets a little bit fuller. New Friends and Warm Milk The Band of Boobs arrive to Smuggler's Bounty, looking in awe at the tiny little piece of paradise. With it's wide open cave, and balconies built right into the rock itself, they know they're in for some good-ass pampering. They see several different ships at the dock, including one with a fearsome flexing orc carved on it: Snot's Yacht. It is clearly a fancy-ass ship, with loads of orcs partying on it. An orc presses a button on the mast, a nozzle appears and fills the orc's tap. Hardwon, for the first time maybe sensing that his ship isn't the greatest ship every constructed in the history of ever. They spy a bar at the mouth of the cave, with shifting colored lights. They spot a hill giant tending bar, very bizarre considering that giants are not allowed this far down south. Moonshine surveys this all and turns to Beverly and asks for a full-on make over to fit in. Beverly is ecstatic and pulls open a jeweled chest and they both go all out. Everyone puts on eyeliner, with Hardwon doing Balnor's. Balnor excitedly tells everyone he was a pirate one year for Halloween, but when asked what exactly Halloween is he just stops and gives a thousand yard stare. Beverly summons a donkey named Big Buck to watch the ship while they all go on shore and they jingle all the way in their jewelry. They approach the bar and see the 16 foot tall hill giant bar tender and a fancy orc sitting at the bar clearly just come from partying on the yacht they saw outside and is drinking by himself but drunkenly talking to the Tiefling couple next to him. The Tiefling couple are hella hot, and ignoring the drunken orc to focus exclusively on the task at hand: heavy PDA. Moonshine is instantly aroused and curious by the couple. The lustful thoughts and questions on the probability of pregnancy increasing or decreasing as the amount of sexual partners in one encounter is interrupted by the sound of a voice yelling at a machine. Apple Scrumper has just lost her game and lost 200 gold coins. As Apple Scrumper yells that the game must be rigged, it's a game of skill and it's SNOWBOARDING and she is the five time champion of MUD BOARDING so how could she keep losing at this? Moonshine realizes she recognizes her, and is a huge fan. She runs over to the Arcane Arcade and sees Apple in front of a game labeled Giant Shredder. Apple and Moonshine begin talking and realize that they're both related to Meemaw and that Moonshine has seen her mud board before. An attendant interrupts them and asks Apple to move on along if she's not going to break the machine or play it. Indignant, Apple yells how could she break it when it's ALREADY BROKEN? Hardwon offers to give her a gold coin so she can play again, only to realize four of them can play the game with her if they want. The Band of Boobs offer to help her win her gold back since she's a friend to the Crick. Balnor comes back from upper-decking the toilet, leaving the 14 year old attendant to deal with it. He realizes that the new friend, Apple, gets to play the game but Balnor is tasked with getting drinks. Although peeved, he seems to enthusiastically take to the task when he decides to get everyone drinks and milk for himself. Moonshine puts in 100 gold to the machine, Beverly puts in all of his gold, and Hardwon puts in 20, all deciding save Ol' Cobb's 50 gold for something nice. All four of them enter the rune circle, and are instantly transported to another plane. Giant Shredder The Band of Boobs are now standing on snowboards, rushing down a half-pipe like trail. "I wanna be sedated" Starts playing in the background. Two Frost Giants in tattered armor come speeding down to them on snowboards. They have beanies shaped like Viking horns. Get ready to shred! Is heard throughout the game, and everyone rolls initiative. Beverly does not have a snowboard but is on skis and has a distinct advantage because he would play this with Erlin. But honestly he wasn't very good and Erlin honestly did all of the hard parts for him. A fearsome board battle through multiple rounds proceeds. Many sick tricks and many many beefs are had as well. In the first round, Beverly's concussion count does go up to 5, but his helmet protects him from the giants particular wrath against him for his prepiness. Hardwon, reticent to be associated with a loser preppy kid, encourages the giants to go after Beverly not him. The giants definitely listen and go after Beverly for 80 damage, killing him in the first round. Beverly decides he's going to reappear on Hardwon's board, piggy-back style, so they can have a talk about how Hardwon has not been the best scout master. Moonshine and Apple both beef super hard. They all pass the first checkpoint and the giants receive health potions, knocking one all the way back up to full health. In the second level, the terrain has changed as they round a curve. There is a sharp drop, essentially a cliff. Continuing down the path there are four very long rails about six feet apart, hanging over the abyss, connecting it to the lower part of the trail. They have to grind the rail to get to the next level. Hardwon decides to do a normal attack, no more tricks just straight to business. Apple is slightly humbled by her last beef but not enough to ever stop doing sick-tricks. She yells out "Hey! Watch this!" and successfully jumps from one rail to another with the giant on it and stops the giant with her board and regains some of her cred. But the giant holds her face back as she tries to attack a second time. Beverly casts Bless, mitigating some of the handicap he's put on Hardwon by appearing on his board, and Hardwon is allowed to use it on his super-sick trick. The Frost Giant, Hunter, tries to do a super-sick-trick and falls into the abyss, leaving only Travis, who crits on a sick-trick and smoothly grinds, but misses the attack. Moonshine, inspired by Apple and Hunter goes for a sick-trick and fails, falling slowly off the rail, trying to grab the rail she flounders and falls into the abyss. She reappears on Apple's board, the crick elf and the field elf together. Her bless now adds to Apple's bless, double blessing them. They have reached another check point, with their gold now at 640. They rush through the check-point, pushing it. The remaining Frost Giant is handed a new frosty health potion. The players see the new level in front of them, it is a very narrow path in glades. They must do a slalom through the woods and the trees are alive and swinging at them. Hardwon, he who never beefs, decides it's time to do a super-sick trick. He beefs but uses his luck point, and still beefs. Apple successfully does a sick-trick and Bev decides to use Nature's Wrath to create a vine line for Travis to trip over. Travis however does a beautiful back flip over the vine while giving Bev the finger. The Frost Giant successfully attacks Hardwon, Moonshine decides it's time to get serious and uses lightning on him, causing Travis to light on fire. The Boobs have reached the next checkpoint, they continue through the check-point hurtling down a giant hill as they launch off into the sky. Hardwon, worried about the pain if he beefs, just does a normal attack which fails, and Travis slaps him in return. The second attack does hit, but Travis is doing well with all his health potions. Apple always dies at this level and makes a more cautious approach just doing an normal attack which hits, but Travis is still standing pretty tall. Beverly decides to Misty Step over to the Giant to do a sick-trick, off the board, knowing this is a self-sacrifice he cannot recover from. Beverly beefs, earning the name Beeferly, and the Frost Giant throws him into nothingness. Beverly is gone from the game. Travis goes after Hardwon but misses him both times. Moonshine does a Hail Marabelle against the Giant and tries to do a sick-trick, but beefs it. She flies over Hardwon's head and disappears from sight and the game. Apple and Hardwon are the only ones left and must stick the landing or take the max damage. If they both pass out, all the players lose the game and the money they put in. Hardwon goes first, beefs it, and uses one luck point and manages to land it. It looks like he's doing flips but he's really just freaking out. He locks eyes with Caw Caw who flies under his board and spreads his wings to level Hardwon's board out, who guides him to safety. Moonshine and Beverly's corpses are near-by with Moonshine's hand out, which Hardwon high-fives in victory. Apple does not manage to do a super-sick trick, but because she's in a rage she only takes half-damage. She falls terribly but picks herself up to make it look like she did it on purpose and lives through the level. The Frost Giant is next and manages the land, they now have to just duke it out, no snowboards involved. Hardwon manages to hit Travis but not for much damage. Travis is still standing. Apple Scrumper misses both her attacks. Travis manages to crit on Hardwon, killing him, leaving just Apple. The one who got them into them with so much gold on the line. Apple manages to make two hits, severely hurting him putting him on death's doors. Travis manages to get one hit in, but Apple moves out of the way. Apple's turn is here, she takes off her snowboard and smash it over his stupid Viking horn hat, causing his head to explode. Travis is dead. The crowd goes wild, with ticker tape all over the place, and the players are all back in the Arcade. They come out with 2,560 gold, just in time to see Balnor back with melted margaritas in hand for them. Warm Margaritas, Warm Greetings, and Warm New Friends. Moonshine suddenly remembers the really hot Tiefling couple. She heads back to the bar and orders a flaming bowl, a scorpion type of bowl to give to the Tiefling couple. When she heads back to the bar (followed closely by the rest of the Band), the drunken orc from earlier is now talking to the bar tender with the Tiefling couple doing their best to ignore him. He regales the hill giant with how he and his crew just scored a really huge score, it just floated right up to the ship. She calls over the bartender and asks if the drunk orc is bothering him. He answers that of course he is, but he's part of Snot's Lot, led by Jeremiah Snot who captains Snot's Yacht. Moonshine's offer to pay the orc to leave him alone rebuffed, she attends to the main point of business: ordering a flaming scorpion bowl of booze for the Tiefling couple in hopes that they sleep with her. He pulls out a big fish bowl drink and sets it on fire, bringing it to the Tiefling couple who giggle and ooh over it. Moonshine waves with a gold coin dancing between her fingers. They give her the come hither motion as they whisper together excitedly. Moonshine bails and runs to Hardwon. "I don't know how to do this!""You don't know how to proceed when it's working?" "See usually people reject me mostly." Apple incredulously asks if she'd really never had a threesome. Moonshine thinks and tells them she definitely has, that time-out bag got wild, but with the confidence of her friends backing her up she heads back over to seal the freaking deal. Before she goes, Hardwon fixes her hair just a little bit and polishes the coral earrings in her ears. "Alright, go get 'em." The Tiefling couple immediately asks her to come up to their room. Moonshine internally starts freaking out, unsure how to proceed and also feeling like it's got to be a trap. Apple gives her a really big and obvious thumbs-up from the table across the room. Moonshine panics and asks "CAN I BRING MY FRIENDS?" Beverly waives, Hardwon tries to do the finger/gold trick and drops the coin. The Tiefling couple whisper to each other and tell her she can bring one friend, but not the kid because that's weird. She comes back over and asks if anyone wants to have a four-some. Apple looks at her and goes "I mean we are technically cousins but that ain't stopped me before." Hardwon says "I don't know if I want my first time..I mean I'm uh I"m tired from the game." Moonshine just interrupts and says she's going to send just Balnor, she's not even going to go anymore. Ultimately she decides fuck it, and she'll go up with the Tieflings, and it's Balnor's Big Orgy and he gets to come along. "I felt really un-included at the beginning of the game but things are really shaping up." He says as he and Moonshine head back over to the couple. All four head up to the hotel room with a giant bed and a painting of a pirate's ship above the bed. There's a sliding glass door that opens up to a balcony over the ocean. As soon as they enter, the Tiefling couple closes the door and says 'Alright, let's get this party started." The Tiefling couple try and charm Moonshine, but she's resistant and she snaps out of the spell. Standing in front of her are an iccubus and succubus, not the hot as heck couple from earlier. They're coming towards her with a life-sucking kiss. Balnor, oblivious to it all is trying to kiss the succubus. Moonshine, in desperation to save Balnor, pretends to be charmed and asks him to kiss her first. And she kisses Balnor. As soon as he kisses her she fakes an orgasm. She fakes embarrassment and rushes out. The succubus and incubus take a swipe at them as they run, but are weak if they're not draining a creature of life. Balnor suddenly snaps out of it, and Moonshine rushes them out of there telling them she regrets buying them the bowl. Back at the bar, the Orc turns to the remaining members of the Band and offers to buy them a drink. Hardwon absent-mindedly agrees, eyes glued to the door he thinks Moonshine is fucking Balnor in. The Orc brings them over some Tiki Drinks. He tells them all that his pockets are freaking lined. Hardwon, intrigued, tells him it's super cool he's so rich and asks him if he's found any good booty. The Orc laughs and tells him he definitely has. The Orc has no idea that Hardwon is trying to get information from him and continues revealing what the booty is. "You guys ever hear of Ulfgar?" He asks. The Band of Boobs tells him they had and the orc, bursting with drunken glee tells them that they found him, and they're selling him for a lot of money. Intrigued, Hardwon asks him who he's going to be selling Ulfgar too. Beverly casts Zone of Truth on him to get him to answer. The orc tells them he's not sure who it is but the captain does. The buyer has a lot of money because his Dad lives in Hell. "Damn that's some crazy shit man, when's that sale going on? I know we just met but i feel really close to you, kinship with you." Suddenly a couple more orcs show up and yell at him, "Yarn! What are you doing? Come back to the ship!" And Yarn leaves them to mull over what to do next. And that's where we'll end our synopsis. Quotes * "Down at the Crick, if we're making dinner you don't have to choose sides. You can load up your plate with as many sides as you want." * "Some people just like to go hog on cornbread." * "A polite nod to all of you and uh, go fuck yourselves I guess." * "We already moved once!" "I know we already moved once...three thousand years ago, and you hate to have to move twice in ten thousand years." * "I love my new sinewy Dad." * "You can't get pregnant in a threesome, right?" * "I'm Hardwon Surefoot! Bastard of the mountain! Conservative with my gold!" * "I'm not owned, YOU'RE OWNED!" * "Why trick when you can slap-stick?" * "Didn't think I'd be in a four-way today, but let's go." Trivia * Balnor does not consider where he came out of the card the place of his birth. * Beverly is immune to poison which allows him to drink a bit more than other people before it affects him. Music/Sound Effects * 'Seagulls' by Dobroide at Freesound.org . * 'Sea Waves' by Owl at Freesound.org . * 'Big Crowd Chatter' by Kyster at Freesound.org . * 'Crowd in a Bar' by Leandros Ntounis at Freesound.org . * 'Skeeball' by RTB45 at Freesound.org . * 'Woodpeckers and Other Birds' by Kyster at Freesound.org ." External Links * Headgum * Spotify * NAD&DP Subreddit Thread Category:The Cutthroat Chronicles Category:Season 1